Feeling Feelings

I joked with Tracy that rejoining Facebook has killed my blog - so here's an attempt to resurrect it.  And with an actual long serious topic no less, go figure.  (Though you might be forced to endure a blog about FanX next.)

In dealing with my anxiety disorder and depression this year I went to a really fantastic counselor who gave me a lot of tools to try out in an attempt to help me manage my issues and be happier.   One of those many tools was a really basic but useful set of steps for dealing with emotions.    This, we decided, was an important thing for me to figure out since at the height of my problems with these illnesses my panic attacks often seemed divorced from any obvious outside cause, or at least, any cause that merited the level of panic I was experiencing.  And as many of you already know, my worst moments of anxiety, depression, and panic often come AFTER the worst of the stress has already passed and started to calm down.

At face value the first two steps in this process seem extremely obvious.  When you start to feel out of sorts you're supposed to identify the emotion your feeling (identifying the cause of the emotion if possible), and then actually allow yourself to feel it for few minutes.  Seems almost silly right?  I mean if you're mad, of course you're mad, and what good does it due to dwell, for any length of time, on the fact that you're mad? 

Well, you'd be surprised.  In my experience if you allow yourself to actually feel mad, or sad, or scared about what's bothering you, instead of running from the emotion or trying to shut it off a couple of things happen.  First, you get some perspective.  Small things, properly dealt with in the moment, logically considered and worked through, rarely come back to bite you emotionally.  On the other hand, if it's big, you can realize that your feelings make perfect sense for the situation, and you can ask for help or make a bigger plan for dealing with them.

Second, identifying emotions in the moment actually lets you turn your energy on the actual cause of what's bothering you.    And often if you turn the full force of logic and positivity on that originating source, it can be extremely helpful.

I have two examples from the last week - one small and one pretty darn big that illustrate this point.

The small one comes from today.  For the last two days I kept hearing about people having Super Bowl Parties, and everyone, even people who didn't actually like football seemed to be excited about going to one.   So after Church today when I came home I was feeling a little sad about the fact that I had no Superbowl Party to go to.  I even said so to Tracy.  It was absolutely ridiculous, and since I knew it was ridiculous I kept ignoring the thought and trying to focus on something else.  Then - remembering all of this good counselor training I actually allowed myself to feel a little sad about it.  Once I did that my logical brain chimed in - I've already had a really busy weekend and I was really thankful for my quiet Sunday and I realized that if  I had been given the choice to go to a party I would have chosen to stay home.   It wasn't just the Pollyanna right answer.  Because I'd actually worked through it my weird bit of sadness went away and really FELT happy about being home.

The much bigger one comes from last weekend.  Last Sunday night I saw a cute video online that featured a dad and a baby.   And it made me really sad and jealous and all sorts of crap.  Now keep in mind, I don't even actually KNOW the people in this video, it was simply the image that set me off -  as in sick to my stomach, fighting back tears, upset.  It seemed like the most bizarre, truly unstable reaction in the world, so bizarre that when Tracy asked me what was wrong, I didn't even want to explain it because it seemed so nuts.

...Then I made myself stop and think about it.  My weekend had started with a baby shower for a colleague at work on Friday, which was a lovely and fun event, but also featured a conversation by several of the women about how a billion (okay I'm exaggerating) women in the Library were pregnant.  Saturday morning I got to hold the adorable baby of a friend of mine, a baby who seems to really like me.  Sunday at Church we sat surrounded by darling families, one of whom showed up at my doorstep later that day to ask me a question and in the process of that visit the little girl gave me a little sparkly bear sticker.  Each of these events, in and of themselves, is actually a good thing, a very happy, fun thing - that I usually love.  But that weekend, all piled together and topped with a ridiculous online video, reminded me of things I want, for both myself and Tracy, that we're probably never going to have. So I told Tracy what my, now totally understandable, tears were about, and we talked and I felt better...and because of that, well, I still love holding cute babies and showing off pictures of my nieces.  But if I had run from those tough emotions, or tried to drown them in some mindless activity, it surely would have come back to haunt me.

Anyway, I was thinking about this a lot tonight, and I felt compelled to share.   It made me feel like I'm getting healthier and better at dealing with this stuff all the time.   Many of you who read this blog help me on a regular basis, and I'm extremely grateful for that.

5 Waterfalls, 3 Beaches, 2 Rainforests...

So apologies upfront for the photo dump.  I had a hard time choosing which pictures to include, because we had so much fun on our vacation and saw so many fun things. 

We started out visiting the family in Boise where I got to meet my new niece, who is absolutely adorable.  We also got a ukelele serenade from Shay, Becca, and Hunter and had a great time hanging out with Tracy's family as well.

On our way to the Seattle area we honored an ongoing tradition - of taking pictures at the "bendy tree."  We first found this tree on our honeymoon trip 11 years ago and every time we've headed that directions since we stop and take pictures.  This was my favorite.

We also had a great time with Becky and Vashon in Seattle. Vashon works in the tallest building in Seattle, which has a great observation deck which he was able to get us in to see.  The view was fantastic.  Becky also navigated us on a walk to the Seattle Public Library and to Pike Place Market.   In the evening we went to Mukilteo to see the lighthouse and beach.  It was a terrific day and they were really good to have us.

Our time on the Olympic Peninsula was amazing.  It's definitely a place I'll never get tired of visiting.  We went on a hike to Sol Duc Falls which was spectacular, and went for walks in both the Hoh and Quinalt Rainforests.  The tree below is a Maple tree from the Hoh Rainforest's Hall of Mosses trail.

 

We also went to several beaches.  The first one was one we stumbled on while driving along the north shore of the Olympic Peninsula.  One funny moment was our cell phones pinging us to welcome us to Canada and ridiculously expensive global texting.  The second beach we went to was Ruby Beach, which was my favorite.  It had great sea stack rocks and was one of the most beautiful places I'd seen, and on this trip that is saying something.  We also stayed in Ocean Shores and while the beach was less impressive it did have one fun feature - the second picture below was my beach side car service provided by my cute husband. 

 

One of our last stops was a quick trip into Portland.  I've heard about Powell's books for years from so many people.  It's four story bookstore that takes up an entire city block.  We spent two and half hours in the story and basically looked at only 5 sections of the epic store.  I only bought two books, which felt like serious will power :-) 

It was a terrific trip, but my favorite part of it was getting to spend that much time with Tracy!

Geek Heaven

Today Tracy and I went to Salt Lake Comic Con. (By the way no matter what I do Blogger messes with the pictures and text so this post is a little messy)  It was a lot of standing in lines and crazy sensory overload and paying $20 for cold pizza and soda, but it was also amazing.  I've been in love with TV and movies and geek stuff for most of my life, so the kid in me was pretty darn gleeful about all of this.

Some of our highlights:

One of the few things on Tracy's Comic Con To-Do list was his picture with Han Solo in Carbonite - it's one of the first things we did .... he was a little cold though :-)










When I first heard about Stephen Amell the lead actor in Arrow coming to Comic Con I said "It would be so awesome if he did a panel...but that would probably never happen"  ....  well, sometimes you get what you wish for...

The next panel we went to was Shannon Hale and Brandon Mull, a lot of fun, and much lower key.  Nice to be in the same room with one of your favorite actors and one of your favorite authors in the same day.







One thing that was also a lot of fun is that there was a ton of awesome geek stuff there to buy, but we kept it down to a fairly respectable minimum.- Here's our small haul: a Comic Con Pin with a flying superhero, a button with the Arrow's catchphrase and a Doctor Who keychain.  The whole batch cost us less than lunch :-)   We also, at the last minute found some vinyl window stickers so our new car named "Clark" will have a Superman sticker in the back window.


























The other great fun in the vendor row was visiting Chris and Stacia at their HobbyTown USA booth.  It was a busy spot, but I did manage to get Tracy and Chris in the same photo.

And the last stop for our night (apologies for the repeat for those of you on Facebook) was a  picture with Stephen Amell.   The one funny random moment was that while we were standing in line for this photo, Tracy suddenly turned me the other direction as a someone brushed past me.  I turned and had to suppress a squeak when I realized it was actor Manu Bennett (another actor from Arrow that I'm fond of) 

This photo op was super fast, but Stephen Amell seemed really nice and I met some really fun people while we were waiting in line.   This picture also shows off Tracy's "Have you tried turning it off and on again t-shirt" which got tons of comments from people.

I'm not sure I'd go to ComicCon again necessarily, it was a long, crazy day, but I'm so glad I got a chance to do it and that I got to do it with my amazing husband! 

Fourth of July and Random Geek Good News

I am a horrible, horrible blogger lately.  And it isn't like there isn't good stuff to blog about.  Tracy and I had an awesome Independence Day Weekend.  It started with a really fun dinner with Tracy's family on Thursday night,  Tricia came with Julia and we went out with Chris and Stacia and Talon.  I got to see Chris and Stacia's new house, and it's really cute.

Friday I was in my pajamas until 1:00, which is always a good day.  For dinner we went to our favorite local park and had a picnic, and the best part was that there was hardly anyone there.  It was quiet and shady and fairly darn perfect.

Then we lit off our own little stash of fireworks (I bought  aerials for the first time and they were all kinds of awesome) and did our usual tradition of watching A Capitol Fourth, which always reminds of us our favorite Fourth of July when we were in D.C.

There - YAY!! I blogged about something - there is hope.

On the geek front there were two really fun pieces of Arrow related news today -  Brandon Routh who played Superman in Superman Returns just got cast as a recurring character who is also a superhero (one I've never heard of, but still, very cool) and they're adding my favorite character from the show,  Felicity Smoak, to the new series of Green Arrow comic books.  Fun.

Staying Put and Geeking Out

So many of you probably heard the rumor we might be moving to Montana...but turns out we're staying put in Utah.  Tracy did get offered a promotion there - but the offer just wasn't enough to justify leaving, especially since I have a job I like at the Church History Library - at least for the moment.  Though it's been a tough few months trying to manage three jobs I only have two more weeks of teaching and while I'll miss the interaction with students, especially the ones at Salt Lake Community College I'm looking forward to digging into some serious writing time.

Oh, and just so you don't think I'm losing my charming fangirl nature this video with the actor from Arrow had me geeking out...now if we could only convince Henry Cavill to develop X-Ray vision, we'd have it covered.

Stephen Amell Target Practice

New Car - Fun Husband

We bought a new car Saturday and Tracy put a really cute and funny post about it on his blog here.

http://potrazeebee.blogspot.com/2014/03/a-new-car.html

He even included a TARDIS (Doctor Who) reference for me, and in keeping with that the trunk is in fact much bigger on the inside :-) 

I'm just feeling really grateful that we can both drive to work on the same day without one of us having to be nervous that the truck was going to strand us somewhere.   Honestly, though we weren't sorry to get rid of the truck, it did last a miraculously (and I don't use that word lightly here) long time for us. 

I'm going to drive the new car to work tomorrow just because I can :-)

Intern Girl

So I started my job at the Church History Library today, and I think I'm going to really like it there.  The commute home was interesting.  There was a major problem with Trax and Tracy had to drive all the way downtown to pick me up ... my knight in shiny armor!

Though the view from the walking part of my commute was pretty good...

Christmas Spirit?

So I am totally in shock that Christmas is only a week away.  I am totally not ready for it.  I honestly don't know where December went.  I know part of it is that I've been sick a lot, but still, it's been tough to wrap my brain around.

Anyway, tonight Tracy and I finally got our Christmas tree up. (Our anonymously donated tree from last year :-)  And I also put up a cute decoration that my Mom and I made as a joint effort when I went to visit in October.  Hopefully if it looks like Christmas I can get my head around it.

Grateful

This has been one of those spots in my life where things have just been happier.   Even with having two weird flare ups of not feeling well, it's still been a amazing couple of weeks.   On the serious real-life side of things I have an internship with the Church Archives starting in January.  Still only part-time, but it's really interesting work that's going to pay decently.  That combined with teaching for the U and for SLCC actually makes me feel downright employable.  It's an extremely good feeling.

I've also watched three good movies in the last week.  First, Thor 2 last Saturday, then the epic Doctor Who special screening on Monday, and today Catching Fire.  All three of them were respectably clean and thoroughly entertaining.  It was a great run at the movies.  It also reminds me of how grateful I am to be married to the world's best movie buddy.  Tracy isn't nearly as in to Doctor Who as I am, yet he still went with me and we had a really fantastic time. 

There's also been a bunch of other things, both serious and silly that have gone on in the last few weeks.  I got to babysit my friend Pam's little boy this week for a couple of hours, and in spite of going through the terrible two's he was a total angel for me.  My long standing favorite show  (Castle) and my new favorite show (Arrow) had great episodes that were again respectably clean and also mushy.   I had a great chats on the phone with my Mom and my cousin Jennie.  Thanksgiving dinner turned out really yummy.  I got the "Jayne's Cunning Hat" card while playing the Firefly board game with Chris, Stacia and Tracy.  Tracy's Mom and Aunt came for a visit last weekend.   It's almost December and I went outside without a coat today. I got an amazingly sweet note from my friend Becky.  In fact, it's been so awesome, I feel like I'm forgetting things.

And can I just say again that I'm married to the most amazing-perfect-fit husband on the planet!

Like I said it's been a lovely few weeks.  I definitely have a lot to be grateful for. 

Changing My World

So since our last visit to Boise in October, Tracy and I have made a pact to give up drinking soda.  For three weeks now we've been successful.  There were honestly times when I really hated it,  but it is finally getting easier.    The next mountain I'm trying to climb is giving up deep fried foods, including chips.   A few years ago I managed to swear off both for a couple of months and it actually started doing some good, so I'm hoping that will be true now and that I can keep it up.

I still haven't figured out exercise, and I know that's the next piece.  My anxiety and depression issues get a bit worse when my brain isn't active, and I don't want to spend any money or look like an idiot.  So someone really needs to invent a way for reading to burn calories :-) Still, Tracy and I have talked about parking farther out in parking lots, and little things like that, so hopefully that's a start.

I know I'm never going to be thin - seriously, in junior high school I was in drill team and track and basically ate the same foods as my size 6 friends and was still a size 13, so I'm not expecting miracles here.  But I would like to lose enough weight to be happy with myself in pictures and to be able to do all of the things I want to do.  

Even writing this on my blog is a little terrifying.  However, I'm comforted by the fact that not very many people read it, and those that do already like me, chubbiness and all.  At least I hope :-)

Labor Day Adventure

So I've been seriously craving some trees, water, and mountains and so today Tracy and I decided to check out the Alpine Loop which winds up behind Mt. Timpanogos and comes out in Provo Canyon.  The scenery was really incredible. (I mean look how cute this guy is!)

On our drive we went to an area called Cascade Springs where they had a hiking path and boardwalks around a series of springs and waterfalls.  It was a little crowded but lots of fun.  All in all a great day!

Pickles!

So a couple of weeks ago in an effort to expand my homemaking skills (and because we had A LOT of cucumbers that day) I tried my hand at making refrigerator pickles.  Everything I had read said they preserve for a couple of months without all of the drama of normal canning.  So I made three jars of them using a recipe I found online.  When I first tasted them they were pretty tart and spicy, so after doing some reading, I thinned out the liquid with a bit more water.  While I would tweak the recipe (more dill, less garlic, less vinegar, no red pepper flake) they are pretty good.  We've been eating them instead of our jar of store bought ones, so I think that's a good sign.  The other day, after eating about half a jar, Tracy said something like, "I don't think you'll have to worry about these going bad before they get eaten."   It made me pretty happy.

Some Good Stuff

Some good stuff from the last few weeks -

- My cute husband is definitely my hero!  When I went to go to a job interview yesterday I discovered my keys were locked in the car and Tracy rushed home to help me.  He also helped me with a big Young Women activity on Wednesday night (which my Mom also helped me figure out.)

-  I've had a chance to spend some time with both old and new friends lately.  For example, a couple of weeks ago Evevanne came down and we got to hang out for a Saturday, it was so much fun.  She got me the cutest flip-flops I've seen in in a long time - and I really needed flip-flops.  Michaele's in town so I have someone to commiserate with about the ups and downs of history.  Pam is one of the world's best writing buddies. And last month Becky Criddle and I got confused about the date we were having lunch - the great part - even though it wasn't the day we had e-mailed about, we both planned for the same wrong day.  It was funny and awesome!

- I'm reading books and writing again.  This is a good sign, when I'm at my most stressed I stop doing these things, so it's good to be back at it.  Though I've got a long way to go I'm just past the 150 page mark on the current novel I'm working on.

Yes, there are still some challenges going on in my life, and in my head, but it's great to look back and see the good things that happen.

This Week in Our Life

It's been a bit of a long week, after a weekend of ups and downs.  Tracy did a great job of blogging about our last weekend in Boise.  So if you haven't already you can check that out here.

http://potrazeebee.blogspot.com/2013/06/our-week-of-ups-and-downs.html

I will add my own note about seeing Man of Steel.  First of all, like Tracy I think it's just short of miraculous that we got together my mom and John, Tracy's mom, Jeff and his family and Tom and his family all together on the same night.   It's odd that even as much as I adore Superman, I'm pretty open to people doing their own take on the story.  In fact, it's one of the things I like about it.  This movie was definitely Superman-as-gritty-science-fiction movie.  Almost everyone who went, including me, agreed there was just way to much mayhem for a Superman movie.  Seriously, since when does Superman randomly smash through building after building?  However, the movie makes an interesting choice with the way they handle the Lois/Clark dynamic and I really loved it.  I'm hoping for a sequel with more story and less smashing. (As Tracy just aptly put it "Less of a Hulk movie")

In my real life - I've applied for seven jobs in two days.  Four full-time history jobs (they're in Washington State, Washington D.C., Colorado and Massachusetts), one part-time online teaching position, and two local retail jobs, hoping that something will pop up.  I'm definitely dealing with some unemployment blues and at least applying makes me feel like I'm doing something about it.  I'm also taking a workshop next week at the church employment office.  Also, Tracy has been really good for me today, and in spite of our ongoing car repair saga, right at the moment I'm feeling hopeful. 

10th Anniversary

Friday was Tracy and I's 10th Anniversary.  We had made some okay plans, but Tracy surprised me both by getting off early and with reservations to a restaurant that just earlier in the week I told my friend Pam I was craving, clearly he knows me well.   We then went to Deseret Book where I used a gift card I got for my birthday (thanks Tricia!) to find a fun book.  Last we went to a park less than ten minutes from our house that turned out to be really beautiful (it was a good week for parks.)  In any case it was a wonderful day and I can't believe we've been married ten years.  Time flies when you're having fun.

Tracy posted a cute picture of us on his blog:
http://potrazeebee.blogspot.com/2013/05/ten-years-of-happiness.html

In an unrelated note we ended up with some discount tickets to Lagoon because of the book I bought at Deseret Book, so if anyone wants them let me know.  

Hobby Mania

I have too many hobbies.

Seriously -  here's a list of things I do, or am learning how to do, or feel like I should be learning how to do (at least the ones I can think of at the moment):

-Writing Fiction (though this should be a profession, but it's a hobby until someone pays me for it)
-Writing Poetry
-Reading Books
-Papercrafts (Cards, scrapbooking, etc.)
-Crafts (anything not falling into the above category, including jewelry making, decoupage, home decor DIY....I'm beginning to think this list would be freakishly long if it weren't for the word "crafts")
-Learning to play the Piano
-Crochet
-Gardening
-Cooking
-Baking
-Camping
-Postcard Collecting
-Watching TV
-Going to the Movies 

This list does not count the things -  like learning to play the guitar -  that I started enough to actually buy books for, but never did anything with.  (Though this is part of why Tracy talked to me after coming home teaching and asked me out on a date so I'm pretty happy about that one) It also doesn't count things - like playing volleyball - that my younger self was good at, but I can no longer really do.

Apparently I like projects and goals and learning new things.  However, I sometimes think that save item #1, my sheer number of hobbies keeps me from being particularly good at any of them.  Yet they also keep me doing things that are happy and productive.  (Even those last two have helped me make friends.)   I sometimes just wish I had a little better focus, and a few more hours in the day.

Graduation

Friday was graduation day for me.  I might not have even done the whole ceremony and party thing if it weren't for the encouragement of my family.  My Mom and John, Dad and Jill, and Tracy's Mom Tricia all came down for the day and came with me to graduation.  I got a little teary eyed at one point during the ceremony, still surprised that the day had finally come and so grateful to be sharing it with my family. 

 

 If you're interested Tracy caught a video of my part of the ceremony and posted it on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moND1lfQqJk&feature=youtu.be

The party was also a lot of fun.  The theme of the decorations was of course Red.  When you graduate from the University of Utah and your favorite color is red it seems like the obvious choice.   Tracy brought me the gorgeous flowers below and I did some DIY to create the sparkly red letters.  The adorable little cap and tassel candy pops were my mom's brainstorm and they were really fun.  I really appreciated everyone who took the time to come to the party.  It was an amazing day!

Happy Busy Day

Today was a busy one, Tracy and I (well especially Tracy) worked pretty hard, but it was all on really feel-good stuff.  I cleaned up the patio, Tracy mowed the lawn and put new compost and dirt in the raised garden beds, I got the first round of veggies planted and then Tracy took on washing all of our windows.  It's amazing how just having clean windows makes a house seem more sparkly inside and out.

The happy part not only comes from a day doing good stuff, but it also comes from the fact that I checked my student records yesterday and everything is signed off.  I am actually, factually graduating this Friday.   This, plus awesome encouragement from my Mom and John, got me excited to plan my graduation party, so last night we went and bought some decorations and I got the bulk of the food ordered.  It should be a terrific, laid-back day to cap off seven years (yeah, that's way too long, but hey at least I'm done) of school work. 

Pinewood Derby

Our ward activity this afternoon was a Pinewood Derby, Tracy and I both made cars for it.  It was the first time I had ever made a Pinewood Derby car, and with some sawing and wheel attachment assistance from my cute husband I think it turned out pretty well.  

Tracy's blue car with the yellow stripes is a tribute to one of his Cub Scout cars that once won "Best Boy Scout Colors" and has an awesome hood scoop. 

My car's decoration was something I debated a long time over until I found the perfect set of rub-ons/transfers/decals in my scrapbooking stuff.   A lot of people liked the design, which made me happy.

It also made me happy that our cars both made it to the finish line in every race, and my car actually won one of the four races it was in.  I came in sixth out of about twenty cars, one theory about the success was that Tracy had accidentally put my wheels on slightly crooked, but we later found out that only having three wheels touch the track might be an advantage.  Considering we didn't use weights or graphite or anything it was a pretty good result, and definitely a fun day.

Final Draft - Dedication and Acknowledgements

I should probably warn my Mom and Grandma not to read this without Kleenex handy...

Tonight I put the last touches on my final draft of my PhD dissertation.  Yes, I still have the format review from the Thesis Office to go through, but this is the last draft that will deal with the content of the dissertation.

This was also the draft that allowed me to create the dedication and acknowledgements of the dissertation. 

I may have talked about this before, but my grandfather, Roy Logan, passed away shortly before I moved to Utah to attend graduate school.  Even though he himself didn't get a college education he was one of the most valiant and consistent supporters of my educational goals.  The same week I found out I had been accepted at the U was the same week we found out his cancer was terminal.  From that moment on I decided that if I actually managed to get a PhD my dissertation would be dedicated to him.   Today my dissertation dedication page reads, "To my grandfather, Roy Wallace Logan."

The acknowledgements also give me a chance to thank some important people, though these are mostly sources of funding and professors, I thought a couple of lines were worth posting here.

"I owe a great deal of gratitude to many people...for their help with this dissertation...my fellow graduate students, especially my friend Michaele Smith...Finally, I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to my friends and family for their patience and encouragement, especially my husband Tracy Cope who provided critical feedback and support and without whom this dissertation would not have been possible."

There wasn't room to list all of you by name, but chances are good that if you read this blog you are in fact amongst those friends and family I am so grateful to have.

As my mom mentioned just today, there really is starting to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and all of you at one time or another have helped me see it.

Thank you.