Writing Buddies and Storytelling (and a little TV ....again)

Today I met with my writing buddies, Pam, who's been my critique partner for awhile, and Jenny, who's a new writing friend. (Yes, Tracy has joked that maybe I'm collecting writing buddies named Jennie/Jenny the way I used to collect best friends named Becky).  They are always great, but today they were particularly helpful with the novel I'm working on.   Pam helped me walk through a scene I was really struggling with (seriously, I think I've spent two hours just staring at my computer screen this week trying to write it) and Jenny is giving me great feedback on my second draft.   It's incredibly helpful to know what doesn't work, and sometimes even more importantly what does.  I also feel like I help them as well, which is great feeling.

It's interesting because earlier today one of my TAs/grad school buddies was asking me about how to improve at writing and also how I managed to do anything other than schoolwork while I was getting my PhD.  I think having a critique partner was a huge part of that.  It gave me permission to work on my writing amidst all that grad school craziness because I had someone to be accountable to on the writing side of things.   I realized how lucky I was to have that - so thanks Pam!
 
I also realized again how much storytelling and words inform my whole personality.  Even my love of history grew out of a love of historical fiction, and even now I see the best history as telling stories that connect people with the past.   I write stories, I watch stories, I read stories, and chances are at any given time when I don't have something else I have to think about I am thinking about a story - or writing one in my head.  I sometimes (major geek public confession here) tell myself stories as I drive by myself as a way of keeping entertained.

I wouldn't know how to function in a world without narrative, both fiction and non-fiction, and it once again makes me grateful for libraries, shelves full of books, and friends, family and a husband who put up with a woman who has lots of imaginary friends running around in her head.


So if you want to be proud of me for writing a blog post about something other than a television show just stop now.

Speaking of emotional reactions to stories.....

I've gotten a whole bunch of people watching Arrow, and last week's episode sucked on so many levels (bad morals, bad storytelling, jerky characters) it made me angry in a very real way.   I was talking with one of my Arrow watching buddies today and we've agreed to give it a couple more episodes to get back on target (silly pun intended) or we're both bailing.  So I just feel the need to issue a pseudo-public apology to all the others I've roped in. 

Finals

Nothing can make you grateful to be done with school like proctoring a final exam.  The nerves rolling off my students today are enough to make me anxious.  So glad 2013 was the year I finally finished.

Relatively Good News

Just found out that the Graduate School is nominating my dissertation for the Council of Graduate Schools Distinguished Dissertation Award.  Apparently they can pick one dissertation to nominate in the field of Humanities and Fine Arts and I'm fortunate enough that they've chosen mine.  Though I don't expect to win by any means the winner is announced in December and gets a $2000 award and  a trip to California in December (good timing!). 

Apparently the thesis editor who helped me get the manuscript ready for submission liked it and told the Dean of the Graduate School about it, which is how I ended up being nominated.  It's great that someone who doesn't really know me liked it well enough to suggest it for something like this.  Yay!

Graduation

Friday was graduation day for me.  I might not have even done the whole ceremony and party thing if it weren't for the encouragement of my family.  My Mom and John, Dad and Jill, and Tracy's Mom Tricia all came down for the day and came with me to graduation.  I got a little teary eyed at one point during the ceremony, still surprised that the day had finally come and so grateful to be sharing it with my family. 

 

 If you're interested Tracy caught a video of my part of the ceremony and posted it on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moND1lfQqJk&feature=youtu.be

The party was also a lot of fun.  The theme of the decorations was of course Red.  When you graduate from the University of Utah and your favorite color is red it seems like the obvious choice.   Tracy brought me the gorgeous flowers below and I did some DIY to create the sparkly red letters.  The adorable little cap and tassel candy pops were my mom's brainstorm and they were really fun.  I really appreciated everyone who took the time to come to the party.  It was an amazing day!

Happy Busy Day

Today was a busy one, Tracy and I (well especially Tracy) worked pretty hard, but it was all on really feel-good stuff.  I cleaned up the patio, Tracy mowed the lawn and put new compost and dirt in the raised garden beds, I got the first round of veggies planted and then Tracy took on washing all of our windows.  It's amazing how just having clean windows makes a house seem more sparkly inside and out.

The happy part not only comes from a day doing good stuff, but it also comes from the fact that I checked my student records yesterday and everything is signed off.  I am actually, factually graduating this Friday.   This, plus awesome encouragement from my Mom and John, got me excited to plan my graduation party, so last night we went and bought some decorations and I got the bulk of the food ordered.  It should be a terrific, laid-back day to cap off seven years (yeah, that's way too long, but hey at least I'm done) of school work. 

The Big Return

So over the last seven years at the University of Utah I have checked out A LOT of books.  However, since they don't actually require you to ever take anything back unless someone else has requested it, there has been this cache of 20 plus books on my dissertation topic that I've had for years, literally.  Add to this the odds and ends from various projects that just never got returned and I've had half a bookshelf full of the Marriott Library's books.  Tonight, inspired by the feeling that I might, actually, really be graduating and by the urge to get those shelves back, I gathered them all up and tomorrow Tracy and I are going to return them.

It's the most excited I've ever been to return library books.

Final Draft - Dedication and Acknowledgements

I should probably warn my Mom and Grandma not to read this without Kleenex handy...

Tonight I put the last touches on my final draft of my PhD dissertation.  Yes, I still have the format review from the Thesis Office to go through, but this is the last draft that will deal with the content of the dissertation.

This was also the draft that allowed me to create the dedication and acknowledgements of the dissertation. 

I may have talked about this before, but my grandfather, Roy Logan, passed away shortly before I moved to Utah to attend graduate school.  Even though he himself didn't get a college education he was one of the most valiant and consistent supporters of my educational goals.  The same week I found out I had been accepted at the U was the same week we found out his cancer was terminal.  From that moment on I decided that if I actually managed to get a PhD my dissertation would be dedicated to him.   Today my dissertation dedication page reads, "To my grandfather, Roy Wallace Logan."

The acknowledgements also give me a chance to thank some important people, though these are mostly sources of funding and professors, I thought a couple of lines were worth posting here.

"I owe a great deal of gratitude to many people...for their help with this dissertation...my fellow graduate students, especially my friend Michaele Smith...Finally, I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to my friends and family for their patience and encouragement, especially my husband Tracy Cope who provided critical feedback and support and without whom this dissertation would not have been possible."

There wasn't room to list all of you by name, but chances are good that if you read this blog you are in fact amongst those friends and family I am so grateful to have.

As my mom mentioned just today, there really is starting to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and all of you at one time or another have helped me see it.

Thank you.

The Last Big Hurdle

Graduate school has been a hard road, there's no doubt about it.  In fact I told a professor today that if it hadn't been for his class I might have quit during my first semester at the U.  Along the way I've met some amazing friends, and worked with some truly awesome faculty members...and today was the last truly stressful day of my grad student life.

My dissertation is defended.  And though there's still some revising and bureaucratic university stuff to do, in May 2013 I will be Dr. Jenel Cope.

One Draft Down

Sent my dissertation conclusion off to my committee today.  Yippee!  I may actually finish this someday.

A Good Day to Be A Historian

A few weeks ago I got invited to attended a luncheon with Pulitzer Prize winning historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich.  I assumed a bunch of graduate students were invited, and I accepted the invitation with only the passing though of  "She's actually kind of famous, for a historian, that would be fun."  In the back of my mind I knew it was connected to a conference they are having tomorrow on Women in the LDS Church, but I didn't really think about it.

So I show up today to discover that am I one of only a fairly small number of students that got invited, and in addition beyond this amazing historian (who I was impressed with, she managed to be gracious even when skewering people) this small group also included Church Historian Elder Steven E. Snow.  Elder Snow handled a difficult question with such humility and tact, while still being absolutely true to the gospel, that it made me delighted to be a member of the Church.  I was a little star struck and am still not entirely sure why I was lucky enough to be invited.   I even got to ask a question!

I also got to reconnect with one of my grad school buddies whom I look up to and who has meant a lot to me over the years. 

Beyond the sheer amazement I had at being in a room with those people, the discussion was extremely interesting and relevant to a number of things I care about, both as a historian, an archivist and as a Mormon woman.  It was one of those days that reminded me why I went into history in the first place. 

All Sorts of Things

Sorry about being such a slacker on the blogging, it's been an ups and downs couple of weeks, but I think I'll focus on the positives:

-I conquered one of my cooking demons last week by successfully making chocolate chip cookies that were good.  My mom, the queen of all cookie making gave me some of her secrets and I think that really helped.  They still weren't quite as good as hers, but they were good enough that Tracy was disappointed when they were all gone.

-My writing buddy Pam started a book club and we had our first book club meeting tonight.  It was great fun.  I'm really glad I've made such good friends here, and it's great to get to know new people as well.

-We're got this fairly amazing deal on a new dryer and it's being delivered Tuesday.  (See how I made that into a positive?  Good work, huh?)

-I met with my dissertation adviser and she agreed with the plan to turn my dissertation from five chapters to four.  It means a bit more revising but it definitely will be less work overall.

And it's almost the end of February...which means winter is drawing to a close, and so far (cross fingers, knock on wood) it's been a mild winter here.   I'm definitely looking forward to spring!

Handcrafted Christmas

What I love about making most of the Christmas gifts:
- You save on the budget, while still giving something nice
- It's easy to customize things to people's personalities
-The sense of accomplishment when something turns out cute

What I don't love about making most of the Christmas gifts:
-The sense of gloom that sets in when something gets screwed up
-Constantly wishing I had actual productive skills of some sort, like sewing or baking, or anything useful. 

Yeah, I'm annoyed today, but hopefully things will all work out.  Too bad I can't give people historical research gift certificates, huh?

Presentation

I'm giving a work-in-progress presentation about my dissertation tomorrow for the History Grad Student Association at the U.   It's really not that big of a deal, but prepping for it has totally consumed my available energy this week and I find myself nervous.

I didn't use to get nervous about these kinds of things, but I think my anxiety issues, as well as being out of practice, are conspiring to make me feel a little bit of stage fright.

However, what helps is reminding myself that nothing of eternal value is on the line.  I could have a disastrous presentation and Tracy would still hug me and take me out to dinner when it was over.  And nowhere in a temple recommend interview will the bishop ask me "And did you successfully deliver your work-in-progress talk?"

Yeah, I'm at the point where I just take deep breaths and wait to get it over with.

The Demon Has Been Slain

Another nice Halloween subject heading, huh?

Well it may have been two months late, but I finally got my first dissertation chapter sent to my adviser today.  I may, in fact, graduate some day.

Better Keep Your House Clean

Add this to the interesting things I've learned while working on my dissertation. 

In 1968 the FBI (among others) considered a messy dorm room to be a sign of "immoral behavior" - seriously, I could not make this stuff up.  

Talents, or Lack Thereof

Spent the better part of tonight dealing with the checkbook and bills.   And you know what, I can do it, but I don't like it, and on top of that I am pretty sure I'm not especially good at it.   This is not about how much money we have or don't have.  Even if we had gobs of money I still wouldn't like the process of figuring out the stickier logistics of managing it.  In fact, the thing that  really started to give me the headache was trying to figure out what, in the h-e-double hockey sticks, to do with the small increase we're going to have in our budget.  (Save or pay off debt?  Which debt?  How do I save when the savings account options suck? ARRGHHHHH!!!)  Still, since I pretend to be a responsible adult, I make myself do this stuff anyway, at least to a minor degree.

My mom, on the other hand, is a whiz with this stuff.  Not only in terms of responsibility, but in terms of learning about financing.  She happily reads books about budgeting and finance, will listen to television programs about finances, and could, I'm guessing, if she were feeling comfortable with sharing that information, discuss exactly why she does what she does with her money, including stuff like investments and retirement, you know, the kind of things that would make my head explode. It might not be the most exciting thing in her world, but she's got it under control. 

On the flip side, in a conversation with some of my professors at the U today I was talking about the fact that writing a dissertation, this big scary thing, that so many people seem to detest, has actually started to be fairly enjoyable to me now that I have the time to do it.  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.  I like doing research, I don't even hate theory, assuming it actually has to do with what I'm talking about.  And while it's hard work and not "fun", it suits me. 

Having these two experiences in the same day has made me even more certain that we really are born with inherent talents and weaknesses.   Yes, we can overcome some of our weaknesses with education and hard work.  (For example, my willingness to learn to use Quicken and Automatic Bill Pay.)  However, I think there are always going to be things that we love and things that we loathe.   This has lead me to two very important thoughts:

1)  How grateful I am that everyone is different, while I may not know what a mutual fund is, or how to change the spark plugs in my car, someone out there does.

2) I need to be kinder to myself about the things I'm not that great at.  Yes, I need to be responsible and do the right things, but it's okay to hate balancing the checkbook and have an irrational grudge against Suze Orman.  Really, it's okay. I'm a historian and a fiction writer and a good cook and a Sunday School teacher and a fairly good wife and daughter,  I'm even nice to people in traffic.

So really, I am, in fact, allowed to hate balancing the checkbook.  I just still have to do it.

Building Envy

With apologies to the History Department's shiny new building at the U, I am having some serious building envy. Apparently, this is where the history department lives at Princeton...

Though I must say, noticing the window unit A/C in the bottom left, having a new building definitely has some perks.

In other interesting tidbits, I had decided yesterday that other than better food at the campus cafe, being at Princeton didn't feel wildly different than being on any other campus.  However, I overheard a fascinating conversation today (from a group who were clearly students, and most likely undergrads)  about various ways one can use to get out of paying large amounts on your taxes.  They sounded like they were speaking from experience.  Not something I had a problem with as an undergrad.

Better Than Yesterday

Normally the process of travelling doesn't really bug me, but yesterday was a doozy - three and a half hour flight delay, turbulence, airsickness, lost while driving...yeah, not fun.

Today was better though.  I found my way to the library easily enough, and though the day was kind of uneven in terms of research results, I did find one really great thing.  Here at Princeton in 1971, one of their centers had a conference about the FBI, and one of the conference papers was co-presented by someone who worked in the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division.  The paper is about how the Bureau responded to civil rights complaints.  Definitely a great find for my topic.

I also have a great hotel, that miraculously provides both hot breakfast AND dinner.  I had potstickers, rice, salad and cream puffs for dinner.  Huzzah! They even have peppermint tea in their "free 24 hour" beverage station.  Also, there's a cute little campus cafe in the building right across the street from the archives where I can grab lunch.  Normally I have to figure out where a local grocery store is to get by when I'm travelling, but I'm not even going to bother this time.   It's a real luxury.

So here's some pictures.  First, because I can't seem to be able to help myself from taking pictures of trees...

And second well, because it's Princeton, of course....

Scary New Jersey

I have to go to New Jersey next week for research and I have to admit I'm not entirely looking forward to it.  Most of my doldrums come from the fact that once again, Tracy is staying behind.  However, there's also the fact that I have to do a lot of driving on what I know are infamously busy roads in a place I don't know at all.  Last summer when I went to D.C. it was so nice to feel like I knew where I was going and to already know how to navigate a bit.  Even Oregon didn't seem this scary because the driving part was so straightforward, get on the freeway, get off the freeway, done.   Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the opportunity, but the gratitude doesn't seem to have much effect on the nerves.

The Way We Look At Ourselves

Awhile ago I read that a lot of grad students have what they call "impostor syndrome" the idea that somehow you aren't smart enough or talented enough to be in graduate school and that any moment your faculty and fellow students are going to discover this and (a) ridicule you, (b) kick you out.

I am definitely prone to this myself, I tend to think I'm too old, or too young, or too fat, or not cool enough, or simply not smart enough to be really be on the same level as my fellow students, and especially fellow faculty members.  I have grown out of this somewhat over my years in graduate school, thanks to several terrific friends and some very kind and dedicated professors, but it's still there lurking around the edges.

Today I was talking with a fellow grad student who I think is awesome, the kind of woman who manages her religious, family and academic life with a skill I envy.  At one point in our conversation we were talking about our GPA's and I told her about my fairly abysmal undergrad GPA. She said something along the lines of, "I'm relieved to hear that, because I think of you as one of the star students."   It was immensely flattering, especially coming from her, but it made me realize that I certainly don't see myself that way.   In fact, I told her that one of the reasons I was so relieved to get my fellowship next year was that it proved to me "I could play with the big kids."

And it is delightful to get that kind of outside validation, but it makes me wonder why I can't manage to see myself that way.  Granted I think I view myself as moderately bright and competent, but a "star"? Not so much.   Why is that?  Why can't I manage to see the best parts of who I am?  It's frustrating, and definitely something I need to work on, since I don't think you have the courage to really go after your weaknesses unless you believe you have strengths.