The Way We Look At Ourselves

Awhile ago I read that a lot of grad students have what they call "impostor syndrome" the idea that somehow you aren't smart enough or talented enough to be in graduate school and that any moment your faculty and fellow students are going to discover this and (a) ridicule you, (b) kick you out.

I am definitely prone to this myself, I tend to think I'm too old, or too young, or too fat, or not cool enough, or simply not smart enough to be really be on the same level as my fellow students, and especially fellow faculty members.  I have grown out of this somewhat over my years in graduate school, thanks to several terrific friends and some very kind and dedicated professors, but it's still there lurking around the edges.

Today I was talking with a fellow grad student who I think is awesome, the kind of woman who manages her religious, family and academic life with a skill I envy.  At one point in our conversation we were talking about our GPA's and I told her about my fairly abysmal undergrad GPA. She said something along the lines of, "I'm relieved to hear that, because I think of you as one of the star students."   It was immensely flattering, especially coming from her, but it made me realize that I certainly don't see myself that way.   In fact, I told her that one of the reasons I was so relieved to get my fellowship next year was that it proved to me "I could play with the big kids."

And it is delightful to get that kind of outside validation, but it makes me wonder why I can't manage to see myself that way.  Granted I think I view myself as moderately bright and competent, but a "star"? Not so much.   Why is that?  Why can't I manage to see the best parts of who I am?  It's frustrating, and definitely something I need to work on, since I don't think you have the courage to really go after your weaknesses unless you believe you have strengths.