How to Write a Formulaic Paranormal Teen Romance

I do like Twilight, but its success has spawned a lot of lukewarm successors.  Having read several over the past few months, this is what I've discovered. And I have to admit, the teen novel I'm working on does actually have two of the elements below, but only two  - thank goodness.  Warning: This post is me at my sarcastic, snarky best, or worst, depending on your point of view.

How to Write a Formulaic Paranormal Teen Romance

1. Make sure either your hero or your heroine is new in town. Bonus points if the person is “on their own” and mysterious and/or unlike the rest of their group/family/pride etc.

2. Make the hero or heroine (but preferably not both) some form of vampire, werewolf, dragon or other well known magical creature.  You are not allowed to invent your own creature, it must be drawn from some other popular culture source.  Bonus points if you don’t bother to explain how the other culture works or bother to make it interesting.

3. Set as many scenes as possible actually in the high school, bonus points if you do a step-by-step account of the new persons first day.

4. Make sure they sit next to each other in class, and have some form of “electrical” reaction to each other.  Bonus points if this class is biology or art.

5. Include a passing reference to a classic piece of music or literature.  Bonus points if you throw in a Bronte or Austen novel, but don’t actually talk about it.

6.  Give both your hero and your heroine as angsty a background as possible.  You get a bonus point for divorced parents and you get double bonus points for each dead parent and sibling.  

7. Make sure your heroine is as generic as possible, minimal talents, minimal interests outside said hero etc. DO NOT, at all costs, allow her to have specific educational or career goals.  

8. Make sure your hero is as brooding as possible, bonus points if he finds some excuse not to speak to the heroine before finally confessing his love.  DO NOT, at all costs, make him an outgoing well-adjusted young man.

9. Put your heroine in some form of outlandish danger, preferably because she’s foolish, and have the hero swoop in and save her.  Bonus points if you do this multiple times. 

10. Make sure each character talks a lot about how “beautiful” or “hot” or “stunning” the other person is.

11.  The climatic scenes should ideally involve: the imminent death of the non-paranormal half of the duo, a passionate kissing scene, and a set up for the books inevitable sequel.

 

How to Write a Non-Formulaic Paranormal Teen Romance

1. Break as many of the above rules as possible.